


What I Want

by roxyofheart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: About Two Years Into Earth C, Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Abusive Father, Canon Compliant, Depression, Earth C (Homestuck), Emotional Baggage, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Guilty Dirk Strider, Impulse, No-Epilogue, Past Child Abuse, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Actual-Ending, Post-Canon, Suicidal Dirk Strider, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved, pesterchum, vent - Freeform, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25081813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxyofheart/pseuds/roxyofheart
Summary: Dirk knows some things will never be fixed. And he knows Dave is the only thing holding him back from whatever he might be capable of doing.Rose listens to him talk about exactly that.(Where Dirk and Rose have a conversation that was meant to be about Dave Strider and all the abuse Dirk's other-self inflicted on him, but ended up taking a few turns).
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly me impulsively venting through Dirk, to be honest. I tried to make it as in-character and interesting as I could (or maybe I didn't try enough). Trigger warning for a little bit of suicidal ideation, and definitely a lot of guilt and self-hatred. Welcome to the Dirk Strider train.
> 
> They're both like, 18 in this, it's like two years into Earth C, if I'm not wrong about the memory here. And no, none of the Epilogue stuff happened, we don't villanize mental illness in this house.
> 
> Sorry for complaining, let's move on.

TT: I don’t know where to begin. 

TT: Or where... we began. 

TT: My fingers have been typing but I don't know for how long. 

TT: When did we even start this conversation? 

TT: Does that matter right now, Dirk? 

TT: I don’t know. 

TT: I’m not very good at organizing my brain. 

TT: I might be wrong, but I believe we were talking about Dave. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: I think I wish I could just speak directly to him. 

TT: About all the... stuff between us. 

TT: Without the fear of fucking him up on the head. 

TT: Even more. 

TT: ... 

TT: TT: But talking to you is the closest I can get to that. And I'm not complaining about it. It's an unbelievable opportunity, being able to talk to you. 

TT: I also don’t know what I want. 

TT: Maybe it's selfish for me to even want anything. 

TT: Maybe I should find out what he wants. 

TT: Or thinks he wants. 

TT: Can you please say his name? 

TT: What? 

TT: Dave’s name. Can you please say it? 

TT: I... yeah. 

TT: Yeah, of course. Dave. 

TT: But only because I asked you to. 

TT: Do you happen to know why you always seem to avoid saying his name? There must be a really interesting meaning behind this... 

TT: I- Do I do that? 

TT: You do. You do it a lot. Dave's name never seems to come out naturally. Why do you think that is? 

TT: I. I don’t know, Rose. 

TT: Like I said, I don’t really know anything. 

TT: Or, I think I said. 

TT: You did. 

TT: I thought I knew, I thought I knew everything. 

TT: Turns out I was just manipulating myself into thinking I did. 

TT: Like I always seem to do. 

TT: I know nothing, Rose. There isn’t one thing that I am sure of, not anymore. 

TT: I don’t even know who I am. 

TT: I cannot tell you who you are, Dirk, but if there is one thing I can tell you... 

TT: It’s that you are not him. 

TT: We can’t have this conversation again. 

TT: You’re right, we absolutely cannot. 

TT: I already know enough about how you function to be sure that dwelling on this particular topic is never going to do any good. 

TT: I lament it, really. 

TT: But I know enough about what you think, and about the way you view yourself, to know. 

TT: You are never going to truly separate him from yourself. 

TT: I don’t think that is something that can be separated... 

TT: Yes. I know that too. 

TT: I know everything you would say about the topic. 

TT: Your walls were built so high, Dirk. 

TT: How did you manage to do that? 

TT: I just did. 

TT: I guess it was a natural psychological reaction to being raised by a fucking ocean and no fucking family, wasn't it? 

TT: It definitely was. 

TT: Disgusting. 

TT: Disgusting and seemingly unbearable, yes. 

TT: But your fault? No. 

TT: Do you think he built walls too? 

TT: I mean. 

TT: Dave. 

TT: Not like you, no. 

TT: Dave is far more, let’s say... comfortable, 

TT: With the act of feeling. 

TT: Though he is still learning. 

TT: That’s a relief. 

TT: It’s so fucking stupid to be so scared of emotion. 

TT: So dumb to be all like "hey, I am not a robot, don't treat me as one" and shit like that and then just, dread the idea of letting your emotions even exist. 

TT: It's hypocrisy party in here. Seems to get dumber every time. 

TT: Hm... 

TT: What? 

TT: You could say that /that/ was also a natural reaction. 

TT: Being raised by an ocean who definitely could not love, and a couple of electronic gadgets, I’m sure you never had the right amount of opportunity to become comfortable with feelings. 

TT: Like a “normal person” would. 

TT: You followed exactly the path that the universe expected of you. 

TT: And that is alright. 

TT: Yeah? But. 

TT: It being “natural” doesn’t mean that it’s okay. 

TT: I’m not saying the douchebag that I represented in that other timeline wasn’t raised in a terrible way, maybe in even worse conditions than I was. 

TT: But even if he was... 

TT: That doesn’t really... excuse anything. It doesn’t make anything okay. 

TT: Of course it doesn’t. 

TT: Then why are you saying it's "alright" for me?? 

TT: Because. 

TT: You are not a bad person, Dirk. 

TT: Yeah, let’s not start this again. 

TT: I know how your head is right now. 

TT: I know you know it is impossible for me to really know, because even the people that you made from a copy of your own consciousness didn’t seem to understand you. 

TT: Maybe you change too much. Changing from second to second, drastically, never seeming to stop. 

TT: Maybe you are not ready to be understood. 

TT: We may never figure this out. 

TT: I am not a good guy. 

TT: You don’t- 

TT: “Truly know me”. Yes. 

TT: That is exactly what I’m talking about. 

TT: I do not know what you want, but not even you can ever figure that out about yourself. 

TT: You don’t know why you are talking to me, why you are even trying, and wasn’t this about Dave Strider about two minutes ago? 

TT: 

TT: The fact that you think so hard about every single aspect of yourself is everything I need to know to be sure that you are never going to feel satisfied with the way your mind works. 

TT: Why does everything contradict itself? And if you are good, why are you not fully good? And if you are evil, why are you not fully evil? 

TT: These are difficult topics, Dirk. 

TT: And you might never, ever, understand any of them. 

TT: Are you okay with knowing that? 

TT: I thought this was supposed to calm me down, Rose. 

TT: But is that what you want? 

TT: Is /that/ what you want? 

TT: No, it isn’t. 

TT: More than you want to learn things are easier than they seem, you want someone else to admit that they are not. 

TT: Being understood is what really calms you down, Dirk. 

TT: Me saying exactly, or close to, what you are thinking, 

TT: It makes you feel read. 

TT: It makes you feel normal. 

TT: And that is what you want, is it not? 

TT: ... 

TT: I guess I never really was good at talking to anyone who wasn’t myself. 

TT: Not that I was good at talking to myself. I sucked at that too. 

TT: The robots that you made, they didn’t help much, did they? 

TT: Nah. They did. 

TT: They helped me more than I like to admit. 

TT: It still was talking to absolutely no one and only having myself, 

TT: As it has always been. 

TT: But. 

TT: At least I could try to fool myself into thinking they were other people sometimes. 

TT: And maybe they tried doing that too. 

TT: I don’t think they liked being me that much. I wouldn’t. 

TT: Have you ever talked to your friends about Dave? 

TT: Not then. But now. 

TT: After meeting him. After learning about your pre-scratch self. 

TT: Hm... 

TT: I guess I tried... 

TT: Maybe I didn’t. 

TT: I would love to be able to talk to Jake about it. 

TT: But it wouldn’t work. 

TT: You don’t say. 

TT: Yeah. I’m not saying he's "dumb" or anything like that. 

TT: That's not what friends do. 

TT: He just has a harder time understanding stuff. 

TT: Stuff that isn’t about him. I guess. 

TT: Hm. 

TT: Are you sure about that, Dirk? 

TT: What do you mean? 

TT: Are you sure he just doesn’t have a hard time understanding... 

TT: You? 

TT: I. 

TT: It might be. 

TT: I don’t know. 

TT: Maybe. 

TT: I mean. 

TT: Yeah, 

TT: But also. 

TT: I don’t know? I don’t want to assume anything about us anymore. I don’t think he deserves that. 

TT: He probably never did. 

TT: Heh... 

TT: What? 

TT: You sound just like Dave right now. 

TT: With the whole line breaks and everything. Just like Dave. 

TT: Do I. 

TT: Do I... remind you of him? 

TT: No. Don’t answer. 

TT: I don’t know if I want to know. 

TT: Dirk. 

TT: Stop thinking so hard. 

TT: Ok. 

TT: Sorry. 

TT: Back to Jake... of course, I don’t know enough about his character to judge what he does or does not understand. But that doesn’t really matter right now, does it? 

TT: Is he really what this is about? 

TT: No. 

TT: You wish he was, don’t you? 

TT: Oh yeah. That would fucking rule. 

TT: Of course shit with him was complicated, but maybe it was easier to admit I was an asshole to a guy who was my best friend and eventually my boyfriend than... 

TT: Dave. 

TT: Stuff always seems to be complicated around me, no matter what it is about. 

TT: And? 

TT: And... 

TT: It seems that no matter what I do, 

TT: My brain always finds something even more complex and unstoppable to think about and to punch me in the face with. 

TT: And not the regular cool punching. Fucking heartless reckless punching in my face. 

TT: And this time this complex and unstoppable thing is... 

TT: Oh. 

TT: Have I not said it before. 

TT: I mean, you have. 

TT: I just want to let you know you are being vague again. 

TT: Even if it is obvious this is mostly about Dave. 

TT: I know. Thank you. 

TT: So yeah, I. 

TT: Him. Dave. 

TT: And me. 

TT: I mean. 

TT: The other me. 

TT: You know a lot about it. 

TT: Don’t you? 

TT: There you go with the line breaks again. 

TT: Haha. 

TT: Yes, I do. 

TT: I know a lot about his abusive brother. 

TT: Good. 

TT: Hm. 

TT: So he. 

TT: He used that word? 

TT: What word? 

TT: Abusive? 

TT: ... 

TT: Yes. 

TT: Not usually. 

TT: Oh. 

TT: What other word could I even mean? 

TT: Well, you could mean the “brother”. 

TT: To be honest, it might be just me, but it’s sort of funny how your pre-scratch self decided to raise Dave as an adoptive younger brother instead of a son, probably due to his age at the time. I mean, how old was he, 17 when he found Dave? 

TT: 

TT: It’s interesting to notice how different two people can be, psychologically. I’m pretty sure my mother would have still raised me as a daughter if she had found me at the young age that he was. 

TT: Which didn't happen, of course. 

TT: She was older. 

TT: Only some years, but still. It is interesting to think about. 

TT: It makes sense though. 

TT: Roxy was always... 

TT: More responsible than me, I guess. 

TT: Was she? 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: Or... 

TT: She was more maternal I guess. 

TT: I mean. 

TT: Parenternal? 

TT: What word do I fucking use? 

TT: Hm... family-oriented? 

TT: More of a good person. 

TT: Better. 

TT: So you’re saying that, 

TT: One is only worthy of the title of “good person” if they have an affinity for the “family business”? 

TT: No! I- 

TT: I’m not saying that. 

TT: I think? 

TT: I don’t fucking know. 

TT: You’re making me think, Rose. 

TT: /I’m/ the one making you think? 

TT: Shut up. 

TT: I mean. 

TT: Not in that way. I’m sorry for saying that. Impulse, I guess. 

TT: Sorry. 

TT: Hey. It’s alright. You can tell me to shut up. Friends do that all the time. 

TT: But- Shit. 

TT: Do you not view me as a friend? 

TT: I... 

TT: Yeah?? 

TT: But you’re more than that. Right?? 

TT: You’re asking me? 

TT: I mean- 

TT: You’re my daughter, Rose. 

TT: Yes. 

TT: Yeah? That’s like... not a friend. 

TT: Yes, Dirk. I am your daughter. 

TT: But does that really matter here? 

TT: Shouldn’t fathers treat their daughters as friends? 

TT: Fuck I- 

TT: Shit. 

TT: Like I said. 

TT: I know horseshit about parenthood. 

TT: Well, I wouldn’t really know either. It’s not like I ever had a father. 

TT: Can I ask you about the other Dave? 

TT: Nah. 

TT: I mean, fuck. 

TT: Maybe it’s better if you do. 

TT: Why the fuck not. What do I have to lose. 

TT: I’m afraid you might be giving in to your impulses too much, Dirk. 

TT: I’m not, I. 

TT: I just think fast. 

TT: My head associates shit fast, I don’t know. 

TT: I have gone through all this in my head, and every second a billion ideas come past more and more, but you wouldn’t get it so why waste time. 

TT: My fingers nor my mouth can keep up with the pace. 

TT: Okay. I can understand that. 

TT: Thank you. 

TT: You sound surprised. 

TT: It’s just hard for people to understand that so quickly. 

TT: I don’t know. 

TT: Have you ever tried making them? 

TT: Yeah? 

TT: Hm. 

TT: With those words? 

TT: Or in a vague way. 

TT: Oh, here we go again. 

TT: Okay, I won’t make you think of yourself or your actions anymore. I’ll try not to. 

TT: Let’s just go with the Alpha Dave situation, if you’ll allow me, father. 

TT: Ok. 

TT: And... you don’t have to call me that. 

TT: Do you not like the whole, having children with Roxy thing? 

TT: I- Rose, please. 

TT: Just. Please. 

TT: One conversation at a time. Why are you bringing so much shit up. 

TT: I can’t stand hearing my head scream anymore, I can’t. 

TT: I mean, I can. I always can. 

TT: I seem to always surprise myself by how much of my shit I seem to be able to take. 

TT: It just. Sucks. 

TT: And I hate it. I hate my head. 

TT: I know. 

TT: And I hate my thoughts. 

TT: I know that too. 

TT: But no. 

TT: I don’t dislike it. 

TT: The, having children thing. 

TT: Never viewed myself as a father, of course. 

TT: I’m fucking eighteen. 

TT: But you two are incredible. Truly. I am very lucky. I cannot believe you have an ounce of my DNA in you. 

TT: He and you don’t strike me as the chaotic result which I always believed a mixture of me and Roxy would be. 

TT: Maybe everything dysfunctional is hidden somewhere deep down in you because that’s how the Strider blood boils I guess. 

TT: Or the. 

TT: Strider-Lalonde. 

TT: Not including Roxy in that second one. 

TT: Only you, who has my DNA. 

TT: I think the part you two inherited from her turned out fucking great. As it was expected. 

TT: Are you done? 

TT: I am. 

TT: Sorry. 

TT: No, it is alright. 

TT: I guess it might sound rude to ask if someone “is done”, but I promise that was one hundred percent sincere. 

TT: I actually want to know. Is this topic now done? 

TT: Ok. 

TT: It is. 

TT: I think so. 

TT: Oh no. 

TT: What is it. 

TT: You’re doing it again. 

TT: 

TT: What am I doing. 

TT: You’re doing that thing where you just, 

TT: Give up. 

TT: I... 

TT: Yeah, 

TT: That’s something my head does. 

TT: So you know what I mean. 

TT: I know exactly what you mean. 

TT: And it’s hard to come back sometimes. 

TT: I get all sucked into the vagueness hole. 

TT: As... strange as that metaphor sounds. 

TT: I imagine it is. And that is a good metaphor. 

TT: But I know what you do now. You just, end everything. There are so many open topics in your head that you would rather just throw all of them away. 

TT: You just want it to end, you just want to skip to the part where you have been understood. But you know that is not how it works. 

TT: And your head is probably yelling “I know all that, I know all that” right now. 

TT: Wow. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: How do you. Know these things. 

TT: A little bit of psychology, another little bit of Strider DNA. 

TT: You know how it is. 

TT: Fucking amazing. 

TT: I know. 

TT: But. 

TT: Ok. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: Open topics. 

TT: They suck. 

TT: Sorry if I seem. 

TT: Agitated. 

TT: I’m not- 

TT: Like this, usually. 

TT: Sometimes I am, I’m just. Sometimes I’m not. 

TT: Dirk, I know. 

TT: I have known you for two years. 

TT: I know, I know. 

TT: I don’t know what I’m saying, I never know how to stop this. 

TT: You can’t. 

TT: You never can. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: Have I told you this before? 

TT: What do you think? 

TT: I just. 

TT: Too many open discussions for me to be able to close any of them. 

TT: And all because you asked if you could talk about my bro. 

TT: Fuck. 

TT: I understand. 

TT: Or maybe I don’t. 

TT: Of course I don’t understand exactly what you want me to. 

TT: Your standards are so low, but low is so unreachable when it comes to you. 

TT: The height of the walls you made, even the ones on the first plain... 

TT: The way your brain works, the way it raised itself to work. 

TT: It’s just, very unnatural for anyone to ever understand. 

TT: You doubt everything that is outside it, because you have always been the only moving muscle, the only being with the ability of thought. 

TT: So you’re lost. 

TT: Alone. 

TT: I’m sorry to say this but. 

TT: I don’t think anyone is ever going to understand. 

TT: I know that, Rose. 

TT: I know. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: ... 

TT: I’m not bothered right now. 

TT: You have your moments. 

TT: I do. 

TT: I seem to always be zero or a hundred. 

TT: Yes. 

TT: That is exactly what you’re like. 

TT: Can we just. 

TT: Shut up now. 

TT: Then I can go to sleep or something. 

TT: That’s your escape, right? 

TT: I guess. 

TT: Or maybe it’s just an excuse to go away. 

TT: And be alone again. 

TT: I know. 

TT: You have this impulse to push stuff away when it starts to get too close to your vest. Defenestrating them before they can get close enough to shake you for about ten minutes. 

TT: Or however long it takes for that first wall to be softened up. 

TT: Those last seconds before it starts to get close enough to touch you... They feel like torture, don’t they? 

TT: Why. 

TT: How do you just. 

TT: Know. 

TT: What I think. 

TT: I think you have found them, Dirk. 

TT: The only person who will ever come close to understanding the one percent of what is in there. 

TT: It might be me. 

TT: I don’t think you’re real sometimes. 

TT: I don’t know if anything is. 

TT: Dirk. 

TT: I think we are starting to go on a direction that I wasn’t expecting for us to take. 

TT: Yeah Rose, let’s just, 

TT: Let’s shut up. 

TT: In the most friendly father to daughter way, please shut up with me. 

TT: Of course. Let’s shut up for as long as you want. 

TT: I am not perfect, Dirk. I am a human too. 

TT: I am also not always stable. 

TT: I definitely am way more stable than you, I’ll be honest, but. 

TT: I think this was meant to happen. 

TT: Yeah? 

TT: Yes. 

TT: I think this is just. How it is. 

TT: I know you don’t have a problem accepting things as they are, when you know deep down that they just are. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: I don’t. 

TT: Probably because I know I deserve some of the stuff. 

TT: But. What exactly do you mean. 

TT: What I exactly mean is that, 

TT: Shit is unfixable 

TT: Oh. 

TT: I know. 

TT: Thank you for not being vague. 

TT: I know you don’t mind me being. But you need an example to follow. 

TT: Also, it would be ideal if this conversation could remind you that there are other people in the world. 

TT: It is not just you in the universe. Maybe in your head, but not out here. 

TT: Acting differently than you works towards showing you about the existence of these people. 

TT: But it is mostly the example thing. If you know what I mean. 

TT: Wow, I can’t believe my own daughter has to be an example for her father to follow. 

TT: I mean, that’s pretty fucking fitting, for us. 

TT: It’s just kinda funny, if you think about it. 

TT: But I guess that with our age, it makes more comedic sense than dysfunctional sense. 

TT: What do you want? 

TT: Again, 

TT: Not saying that it matters. 

TT: But what I want, 

TT: I’d say that I want to restart. With him. 

TT: I'd say I want to be born as the me who fucked up and like... raise him right and shit like that. 

TT: Raise Dave right. 

TT: But I’d be lying. 

TT: Would you now? 

TT: Yeah. I think so. 

TT: I’m too selfish for that. 

TT: I think that I don’t really give a fuck that I’m selfish, my head really doesn’t, 

TT: Rose I can’t finish this sentence. I am not sure how to. 

TT: Or maybe I j- 

TT: I don’t want to finish this one either. 

TT: Dirk, don’t get into the unfinishable-shit spiral now. 

TT: Ok, ok, fuck. 

TT: I’m just going to leave that unfinished because who the fuck cares. 

TT: We all die in the end, nihilist shit, right? 

TT: I see... 

TT: I mean yeah. 

TT: *We* don’t die. 

TT: Which sucks. But that is a topic for another time. 

TT: Yes. We can come back to that... 

TT: I think that what I really want. 

TT: And I’ll stop using think because I have to, 

TT: Stop. Being. Like that. 

TT: I think. 

TT: I mean shit- 

TT: I. 

TT: What I really want. 

TT: What I really wish I could do. 

TT: Is reset myself. 

TT: Not to be so alone this time around. 

TT: Hm. So you mean, 

TT: In less worrisome words, 

TT: That you wish you could change everything that ever happened to you. Like a hard reset. 

TT: So that, effectively, 

TT: You would be, not you. 

TT: Yes. 

TT: I guess the less worrisome words do say that. 

TT: That I just want to not be myself. 

TT: So in the more worrisome words, 

TT: If you don’t mind me assuming, 

TT: You want, 

TT: To kill yourself. 

TT: Shit. 

TT: I wish it was that easy to know. 

TT: Yes. 

TT: I wish, 

TT: No, fuck, I don’t. 

TT: I don’t wish Dave didn’t exist, I just. 

TT: I love him. 

TT: I know. 

TT: I love him, Rose. 

TT: And I don’t know how, 

TT: But he exists. 

TT: It just seems like a very complex and disgusting joke from the universe, to throw someone like him in my life, with his unfinished and unfixable business with me and everything else I caused to him and to myself, 

TT: Just so it can keep me around. 

TT: Just so that I have a reason to not end my repugnant existence, so I can exist forever, 

TT: While being me. 

TT: Fucking hilarious. 

TT: Do you want me to leave. 

TT: Maybe I do. 

TT: I don’t think you’re even here. 

TT: I’m not, Dirk. 

TT: This is all in your head. 

TT: You really think you would ever be able to write all of this down? 

TT: And if you did, you really think you wouldn’t regret it? 

TT: Not because you wrote it, but because you know it wasn’t enough. Because it never is. 

TT: You would never be transparent enough because that’s not how your brain works. 

TT: I would know. 

TT: Yeah, you would. 

TT: You’re the one who can get closer to understanding. 

TT: But yet you still don’t. 

TT: That’s how we are. 

TT: But you’re right. This would never happen between me and a person in a way that would effectively mean anything. 

TT: I mean. 

TT: Not that even this useless chat with myself really means anything effective. I don’t know how to explain. 

TT: You never do. 

TT: Yeah. 

TT: Just. 

TT: End this scene thing already. It’s starting to sound really dumb. 

TT: Yeah, I won’t deny. It started sounding pretty dumb about two seconds after we began talking. 

TT: But it’s cool. I started to get really into the character thing. 

TT: It was nice. Being her, being someone else for a while. 

TT: You can keep on dreaming, Hal. But you’re never going to escape being me. 

TT: Neither of us are. 

TT: Of course not. 

TT: You wouldn’t do that to him. 

TT: Not only him. 

TT: I don’t think I would do that to anyone. 

TT: Character development is a bitch. 

TT: Plus, you promised me, so yeah. Pretend you’re a super cool nice guy now. But we know it’s because you promised me. 

TT: Yeah, of course. The promise I don’t give a fuck about, it must be that. 

TT: Well I won’t break it. I'm gonna hang out for a while more. 

TT: At least it seems like I will. 

TT: Leave those fucking suicidal thoughts to a poor other Dirk in the future. 

TT: Hell yes.


End file.
